I originally got to AA in 1974 and drank after nearly 11 years…AA doesn't keep one sober. I actually attempted suicide before I drank, and after my suicide attempt was unsuccessful, I drank to kill the pain. (I didn't care anymore)
When i eventually recovered from my suicide attempt and "bust" (Counseling, occupational therapy) I went back to AA, because it was familiar. I imagine AA to be quite controlling, which was very much like my history. (I spent all my childhood in orphanages in England and Australia)
In 1994 I started seeing a therapist (I was depressed and suicidal) and he helped me process my feelings. He is a recovered alcoholic and had processed his own history.Anyway, I did years of group therapy (Family of Origin) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).
All I knew from my childhood was terror, pain, shame and guilt and i was able to feel my fear, pain, and shame and get validated and supported by other people in my group. About 18 months ago, I dropped into a "black hole" and had to be hospitalized….I had 4 months of absolute terror, I thought I was in hell.
One day I asked God (not a bedpan) to help me. It didn't happen instantaneously, but all the fear and guilt has dissipated and today, i am just, Micky (Happy, joyous and free) What I had learned, was what I was experiencing, (Terror, shame and guilt) that's what it was like for me as a child. I had to go back and recover "little Mickey"; I was prepared "to go to any lengths" to recover, and I believe God (not a doorknob) did the rest.
I've been sober for over 20 years and AA was just a trigger…it was never about AA; it was my childhood. AA, was just the beginning of my journey, without AA i might never have recovered.What I have, is a "gift".