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N.A made me feel dirty

May 5th, 2005

N.A made me feel dirty — which in turn helped me use again after been clean for three months—I have been using drugs since I was 12 years old — I am now 26. It started with cannabis, then booze, then L.S.D, then speed until eventually I tried heroin and crack cocaine which are my drugs of choice.

After using my drugs of choice for 6 years I decided I'd had enough, and I didn't know where to turn. A friend suggested NA — so I went.

I was still on my methadone and although I classed myself as being clean the NA lot never — they judged me and spoke about me behind my back. I met my partner there.

He too was a new comer and they told him to stay away from me. Cuz I felt dirty as that's what they classed me as, I decided to reduce my meds— what a mistake that was, I dropped so much that it didn't hold me and I ended up using. I had to stop going to NA because I couldn't handle the guilt of having used— I dare not tell anyone as I've seen them wide-birth others that had lapsed and I didn't want that to happen to me — I so badly wanted/needed to be accepted— but the whole time I was there something didn't sit quite right with me — I didn't believe I had a disease, and when I discussed it with my partner he agreed— we eventually left after all the NA boffins kept telling my partner that I'd bring him down and he'd end up using if he stayed with me—so we decided not to go back, and haven't been since.

That's when we discovered a cognitive based support group (SMART recovery) and we've been clean since — although my partner has been clean three years. I haven't used in over a year since I left NA and joined SMART and I have now switched to SUBUTEX which I am stable on and I'm working toward a career in the drug field to help others like myself.