I met my boyfriend 8-1/2 years ago. He drank a lot, he was never an out of control alcoholic, but he had been drinking for 10 yrs or more. He was 25 when we met. Together we did our share of drugs. I never cared too much for alcohol but had grown up in a world of alcoholism so I was able to adjust to the insane way of thinking.
About 3 years ago he was pulled over for speeding in another state and was busted w/drugs and paraphernalia. He went through the court system and chose to go to AA to help his case. I will say once I heard of his arrest I was kind of relieved knowing that this drinking and drugging was over. I never had an addictive personality, just enjoyed the recreation. I was glad it was out of my house and life and looked forward to a clean life with him. Within weeks he had a sponsor that required 90 meetings in 90 days and I was totally lost..We had gone from spending nights at home having dinner and weekend going places … to a non-existent life. I had no idea what to do, so I went to Al-Anon to try and find answers.
Of course that wasn't a place for answers, it was a place to be sucked in and get a sponsor and do the steps. I didn't care for any of the local groups, not to mention I didn't like the feeling these meetings left me with, besides I had two early teenaged kids that I needed to be home for in the evenings as well. So I searched out books and found one that helped me understand the reasons for the 90/90 and the reasons for him to have to go to meetings.
He wouldn't discuss what was happening to him at all..it was like a big secret..As I began to understand the program some I started going to open speakers meeting and actually sat in awe from some of the stories and how lives had been dug out of the pits of hell. All seemed to be going along well I saw him getting calmer and the demons I watched him battle the first 5 years of our lives together were fading away. I was really proud of him and happy to see the peace he had so desperately been looking for.
Two years in the program he decided to take on his first sponsee. Here's where my place in his life started slipping. He required his sponsee to call him daily even if he had just seen him at a meeting. This was to make the sponsee be accountable for his actions and take responsibility. He spent many hours on the phone daily with this young man. He started inviting him over on the weekends to watch ball games and just hang out. I tried to embrace him (sponsee) but at the same time I was invisible whenever the sponsee was around.
Then a few months later he took on another sponsee that was in a rehab and this man has issues. I don't know what they are, but he was on the phone with him all the time. Neither one of these sponsees had the common courtesy to let us eat dinner or watch a movie. If they called and he said we were eating their issue, no matter how small, took him away from our time. I began to resent this.
Once I quoted the Big Book about balancing his time, he said he would talk to both of them but the one in rehab could only call at 10:15pm, but when he got out his calls still were 10:15 until after midnight often. Now, I am a compassionate person and if someone is having problems I can be understanding, but every night 7 nights a week was just too much. My man just didn't know how to set boundaries and of course by hanging out with these guys outside of the rooms also changed the dynamics of a sponsor/sponsee relationship. Not to mention made these men so dependant on him it didn't seem like they would take a piss without calling. I talked to him once about how I was feeling hurt and left out and his remark to me was "well those are your feelings and I cannot be responsible for them"
I always thought if your actions caused a feeling you were responsible but with that remark I knew my life with him was probably on it's way out. If I couldn't talk and he couldn't address my issues with him things weren't looking good. He recently took on a 3rd sponsee and I think between the 3 his ability to keep himself balanced, guide them and try to find a half a second to spend with me just got to be too much for him, he became cold and distant, though he would say I love you (after I had said it) it just seemed it was losing it's true sound and of course every time he hung up the phone he was telling the sponsee “I love you” and hearing him tell them all the time seemed to take away the meaning to me. So last weekend I confronted him after he came home from a meeting asking if things were ok with us and he said no. He said “it's not about you, it's all about me, I've been trying to fix it in my head for a while and I just can't, I not happy and I'm moving out” and I still love you and want to be friend and hang out..well that's just not possible for me for a while, if ever. I can't handle that this man that I've been through hell and back with, loaned him money, which he does eventually pay back, provided him a home and gave him all the love and respect and support one woman could..that he could make a unilateral decision for ME without speaking to me once about what's bothering him … and he still hasn't said. I know that he's talked to his sponsor. My guess is that they are glad that they have finally gotten him away from the only thing left that was in his past life. All the old friends are gone, and now so is his family that he has grown up with for 8 1/2 yrs and had some of the most wonderful fulfilling times with. I am so hurt beyond words, but writing is starting to help. I want to grab him and shake him and run away to the mountains to clear his head, but I'm so afraid it's too late for me and for him. I'm so heartbroken I just can't imagine how it's going to feel to feel normal again, but I know I'll get there eventually. But I miss that man I fell in love with so long ago..and I pray that through his working this program that he will not be comfortable with himself until he takes accountability/responsibility for the chicken shit way he walked out of my life!! Every night I pray to God that he helps him somehow find a spark of that person I knew that was strong willed, intelligent and realistic and bring him back to the light of the real world . . . But I'm realistic enough to think it may be too late for him … I'm gonna miss him for a long, long time …