Where do i begin after 10 years in the nut house.... It began when when a trusted AA member decided to go tell everyone my inner most secrets.... She thought that people should know the truth about me and the truth would set me free!!.... I had been in AA for just over 10 years with 2 relapses under my belt...
An irate woman called me and told me that i would never get the programme because of my dishonesty, lying and cheating. i had hurt her really badly (i had slept with her boyfriend who i had known for years and he had told me they had split up at the time.).. For the first time i sat and thought DO I REALLY WANT TO GET IT?? GET WHAT EXACTLY???
In my years in AA i had dedicated myself into helping everyone, with the programme, with jobs, with money, with a lot of stuff..... What exactly was it that i got back??? Okay it saved me in the first few months when i was at rock bottom... But in all honesty it made me feel crazy, i had an illness so i never recovered from this illness.. I was powerless, i never regained my power.. I was unmanageable, my whole life became unmanageable.. Handed my will and life over to AA members (who are all sick in the head) Shared my inner most darkest secrets only to have them exposed..... Carried the message, i had to fake that one cause i wasn't sure what the message actually was (and faking it meant i wouldn't drink again or die)......
After having myself exposed in AA people said don't worry we all have a past and we are as sick as our secrets but the scary thing was that a whole bunch of mad people heard mine.....
After reading the Orange paper and saw that there was many more people out there that felt the same about AA i don't feel alone any more. AA kept me ill for years, for i had to believe i had an illness, a disease, that i was bankrupt mentally spiritually and emotionally. I wore my heart on my sleeve for 10 years unable to heal the wounds of my past and the wounds that AA had created for me.
In my years there there was always that voice in my head that said,
THERE IS SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT ABOUT THIS WHOLE PROCESS
and when i questioned the programme i was told NOT TO INTELECTUALISE WHAT I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!! WOWOWOWOW meaning don't use your brain your best thinking got you here!!!!!
I took the plunge and made a decision not to go back to the fellowship of AA.... Since my decision i have done a lot of positive stuff, and am starting to meet normal people...
Its been hard to try and deprogramme myself but i am getting there.... It can be lonely but i am now healing and got my feet back on the ground.... And all that unconditional love they talk about (not one AA member has called me to see i am okay!!well they were so unreliable anyway!!) I heard through the grapevine that i am out there drinking and going down the slippery slope.... Anyone who would like to chat can email me on ______________ .
Be wild, be crazy, but be your true self
Love you all,