Scientific Proof: Hunting is a Genetic Disease

SATIRE

Scientific Proof: Hunting is
a Genetic Disease
by Ken Ragge

A recent scientific study has determined that being a hunter is heavily influenced by genetics, according to Dr. Anne O. Nimmus, research psychiatrist at Prestigious University. Dr. Nimmus's study compared identical twins with fraternal twins, proving, in the same manner in which the genetic link to alcoholism in men was proven, that because of bad genes, hunterholics are powerless to quit on their own. The study found that if one identical twin was a hunter, the odds were 80% that the other twin was also a hunter. In non-identical twins the odds were only 40% that both would be hunters. "This shows that genetics is at least 50% responsible for hunting," says the distinguished professor. "Over ninety percent of all hunters had fathers who were hunters."

Some researchers, however, are not so sure. Dr. John Smith of Central University says, "Environment plays the most important role. Boys learn to hunt from their fathers." However, Dr. Nimmus responds that "Quibbling about semantics if of no help whatsoever. Whether it is a genetic disease, or has other origins, those who want to quit must know that help is available." Although there is no cure, success rates as high as 99 percent are reported for those who really want to quit with a twelve step support group.

Mr. Thomas Step of the National Council on Hunting, an independent group only concerned with helping others, says of the seriousness of the problem of hunting, "It is a disease just like tuberculosis, alcoholism or cancer. We have learned from experience that hunterholics suffer denial just like alcoholics.

We recently did an intervention with my brother-in-law. When his wife confronted him with the need for treatment after being away all weekend binge hunting, he initially became angry and denied he needed help. 'I'll quit on my own,"he insisted. Fortunately, we had a professional counselor from Dollars Hospital Love Unit on hand to help us break through the denial and get him into treatment. Although he was angry at first, he is now thankful to his family and the treatment program for saving his life. As he tells it, "I would have died without help. I had no idea how powerless I was. Now that I know God's will, all I want to do is to freely give that which was so freely given and help others recover from hunting. In three weeks I will take the test to become a state certified addictions counselor.'"

For impartial, accurate advice on the physical, spiritual and emotional disease of Hunterholism, call Hunters Anonymous at 555-1234.